Author! Author!: An Interview with Suzette Mullen

A contributor to the New York Times “Modern Love” series and a writing coach, Suzette Mullen seemed to have it all. She was married to a successful man, and her adult sons were happy and thriving. She even had a vacation home! But something under the surface was amiss in Suzette’s life. She soon realized she was deeply in love with her best friend-a women-for two decades. But she wondered if she acted on those feelings how would they tear up the life she had known so well.

Suzette shares her story about coming out and being her true self in her upcoming memoir “The Only Way Through is Out” published by University of Wisconsin Press, and will be released on February 13, 2024.

Suzette was kind enough to grant me an interview where she discusses her book, her life, and helping others embrace their true selves. Enjoy!

Many people realize from a young age they are gay, but you didn’t realize this until you were older. How did you deal with coming out at mid-life and how did it affect your life? 

This is exactly the story I share in my memoir THE ONLY WAY THROUGH IT OUT! Coming out at any age has its own set of challenges. My coming-out challenge was that I had an entire established identity and life rooted in the heterosexual paradigm—a husband, two young adult children, colleagues, friends, and extended family who knew me as straight. The cost of coming out, of living authentically, was “blowing up” that life and potentially hurting people I loved. I had to decide whether I had the stomach and courage to leave behind the safe, comfortable life I knew to step into an unknown future. Life on the other side of that very tough decision feels very different, personally and professionally. Change was—and is—hard and life-giving. Finally stepping into the fullness of who I am feels incredible. I may have thrown a bomb into my life and my family’s ecosystem, but nothing was destroyed. It all just looks differently now. Everyone appears to be thriving in their own way.

What emotions did you go through? What fears did you have? 

So many emotions and fears! First I had to learn to trust what I was hearing and feeling inside myself. Was I really gay or was I simply experiencing a one-off attraction to a female friend? At the time I was questioning my sexuality, I hadn’t even kissed a woman. Seriously, who risks everything for a life they’ve been living only in their head? Especially someone like me who had been conditioned to play it safe. I also felt a sense of relief once I came to terms with my sexual identity. So much of my past suddenly made sense, as if the scales had fallen from my eyes. But despite that clarity, I still wrestled with fear: Even if coming out and leaving my marriage was the “right thing” to do, could I actually do it? Could I do life as a single woman—as a lesbian!—and start over in my mid-fifties? I had been with my husband since I was twenty-two. And what about the people who mattered the most to me: my sons, my sister, my mom, my close friends. Would I lose them? For months, I struggled with these questions and fears. I sought advice from friends, worked with a therapist. But finally, I had to decide whose voice to listen to … and the answer was my own. 

How did you navigate going through a divorce at mid-life and starting over? 

First, I want to acknowledge that I enjoyed significant privilege in my starting-over journey: financial security, marketable job skills, and a generally supportive ex-husband. I don’t want to minimize the challenges of divorce and starting over when you don’t have these advantages. But what I can speak to are the fears and doubts many people have as they contemplate starting over—at any age. Somehow as a society we have adopted the mindset that once you’ve made your bed, you have to lie in it, and as a consequence, many of us stay stuck in unsatisfying personal and professional lives. You don’t have to stay stuck. You don’t have to lie in that bed. You are more capable than you think. People called me brave for starting over in my mid-fifties. But I didn’t feel brave. However, ultimately, I didn’t give over my agency to fear and doubt. I didn’t let fear stop me from taking the first step and the next and the next. And on those days when fear and doubt threatened to overcome me, I called out for help and the universe responded. Friends took me in. Unexpected possibilities opened up. Synchronicities unfolded. It turns out I did have what I needed to start over. 

How did your career as a writing coach help you write your memoir? What advice would you give to others wanting to write a memoir? 

As a writer, I saw how valuable it was to have someone by my side to provide feedback and accountability, and to support me when the doubt demons inevitably whispered in my ear. As a writing and book coach, I went through a rigorous training process to further develop my understanding of craft and storytelling, as well as my knowledge of the publishing landscape. This training, as well as my ongoing work with writers, gave me the tools I needed to write a book I am proud of and land a book deal with a publisher who valued my story. The advice I’d give to people wanting to write a memoir comes from my own writing journey:

• Writing a memoir is an act of bravery. It’s vulnerable and scary. Make sure you take care of yourself and have a support system in place as you dig into your past, especially if you are writing about trauma.
• Be patient. Meaningful memoirs aren’t written in thirty days, despite what you might have heard on the internet!
• Your story is not the things that happened to you; it’s the meaning you make of those events. Keep digging until you discover the real story you were meant to tell.
• Get support. No one writes a book alone. Support can come in many forms: a writing partner, a writing group, or a writing coach. 
• Finally, your story matters. I hope you’ll write it. Someone out there needs to read it.

How do you hope your experience and your memoir will inspire and help others in the LGBTQ+ community? 

Every day I see people in online LGBTQ+ support groups who can’t imagine how they are going to come out or if they have already come out, how they will possibly get through the messy middle. I hope my memoir will help these folx feel seen, understood, and less alone, and feel hope that it’s possible to get to the other side of the struggle and create a thriving life. I hope my story will inspire them to find the courage to live their “one wild and precious life,”  as poet Mary Oliver so eloquently stated. To not waste their one wild and precious life living a life that isn’t truly their own. Yes, there is a cost to authenticity, and the cost is worth it. Finally, I’m proof positive that it’s never too late for a new beginning. It’s never too late to live authentically and write a new story for yourself.

Any future projects you want to tell us about? 

Yes! I’ve launched a mentorship and community exclusively for LGBTQ+ memoir and nonfiction writers called WRITE YOURSELF OUT where writers find accountability, professional support in a judgment-free zone, and a step-by-step process that meets them wherever they are in the journey from idea to publication. I’m loving the energy of this community and the growth I’m seeing in my writers, and I invite anyone who might be interested in joining the mentorship to please reach out. I’m also at the early stages of outlining my next book, which will be a memoir about how to hold grief and joy together after a big leap. What I’ve discovered is that when you are living authentically in your personal life it spills over to your professional life. That certainly has been the case for me. I’m thriving professionally in my sixties more than in any other decade of my life. Another reminder that it’s never too late!

Book Review: The View from Flyover Country-Dispatches from the Forgotten America by Sarah Kedzior

When not being ignored by the two coasts, flyover country is being celebrated as where the “real Americans” live, usually by conservative pundits. And to these pundits, real Americans are defined as white and for the most part living in the suburbs or rural areas who define themselves as conservative Christians.

But not so fast, living in flyover country, I know we are a much more diverse bunch and so does Sarah Kedzior, which she sums up in her collection of essays The View from Flyover Country-Dispatches from the Forgotten America.

A reporter for Al Jazeera America and residing in St. Louis, Missouri, Kedzior’s essays focus on such thorny topics as race, income inequality, the friction among generations, education, foreign policy, the media, women’s issues and so much more.

Kedzior starts off The View from Flyover Country with an introduction rolling out what her collection of essays is all about, giving the reader a clear idea on what to expect among its six parts.

In Part One, Flyover Country, Kedzior defines flyover country and topics such as how expensive cities are killing creatives and hipster economics.

Part Two, Post-Employments, explains issues of survival, how workers are paying a steep price, zilch opportunities and how sometimes these issues make people do extreme things like lighting themselves on fire.

Race and religion define Part Three, where Kedzior writes about the tragedy of Trayvon Martin’s murder, Black Lives Matter, and what happened in Ferguson in the wake of Mike Brown being gunned down by police.

In Part Four Kedzior examines the broken promise of a higher education, and how school debt has crippled countless smart, hard-working and talented graduates. She also decries the deplorable pay of adjunct professors who work tirelessly to educate our students.

Part Five is a careful examination of our media and how gaining access seems to be only available to the well-connected elite (don’t I know it!) and the problem of fringe media in the Internet age.

Foreign policy makes up Part Six when it comes to gender, Edward Snowden, the situation in Iraq and basic human rights.

Finally, Kedzior sums things up with a standout essay on the importance of complaining. If people didn’t complain, women wouldn’t have the right to vote, black people would still be at the back of the bus, and gay people wouldn’t be able to marry those they love.

While reading The View Flyover Country, I marked several pages with post-it notes and wrote down some key quotes and passages in my well-worn notebook. Kedzior writes in a down-to-earth way with smarts and clarity. She truly cares about these issues and implores us to also care about them.

The View from Flyover Country is a treasure of a book and is ideal for both the college classroom and book discussion groups everywhere.

Book Review: Under the Affluence-Shaming the Poor, Praising the Rich and Sacrificing the Future of America by Tim Wise

Every once in while there comes a book that makes me want to shout from the roof tops, “Everybody, please read this book if you truly care about humanity and society!” Tim Wise’s book Under the Affluence: Shaming the Poor, Praising the Rich and Sacrificing the Future of America, is one such book. And though it may sound melodramatic, I truly think Mr. Wise’s book is an excellent primer on exactly why our nation seems so skewed, confused and messed-up, especially during one of our most scary, yet important presidential election years ever.

Scholar, activist and writer, the aptly named Tim Wise, has focused on societal issues since college and one of his first jobs was working against former KKK grand wizard, David Duke’s presidential bid. Since then Wise has worked on behalf of many progressive causes and has written several books, Under the Affluence being his latest.

In 2016 Wise wonders why do we (as a nation and a society) shame the poor (and let’s face it, anyone who isn’t mega wealthy) while praising the super-rich? And what does that say about us and what impact is this having on society?

Wise calls this detestable movement “Scroogism,” and, yes, based on Ebenezer Scrooge from the Charles Dickens’ classic A Christmas Carol. And it is a theme that has shaped our thinking about the haves vs. the have-nots and have-lessers, much of it encouraged by big business, Wall Street, billionaires and millionaires, CEOs, the radical right political pundits, the current state of the GOP, conservative Christianity, mainstream media and often, ourselves. And yes, that includes the have-nots and have-lessers. And Wise offers evidence through nearly 40 pages of end notes to give gravitas to Under the Affluence.

Under the Affluence and its theme of Scroogism is divided into three well-researched, scholarly, yet audience friendly, maddening, heartbreaking and in the end, cautiously hopeful chapters. These chapters include:

1. Pulling Apart-The State of Disunited America
2. Resurrecting Scrooge-Rhetoric and Policy in a Culture of Cruelty
3. Redeeming Scrooge-Fostering a Culture of CompassionIn Resurrecting Scrooge,

Wise carefully researches how in the 21^st century the United States is a society that bashes the poor, blames victims, the unemployed and underemployed, embraces a serious lack of compassion and celebrates cruelty while putting the wealthy and the powerful on a pedestal. And Wise examines the origins of class and cruelty in the United States, the ideas of the Social Gospel and FDR’s New Deal, the myths and realities of the War on Poverty from its inception to Reaganism (and how liberals responded), and the concept how culture of cruelty affects who receives justice and who receives nothing at all except horrifically de-humanizing insults, both in rhetoric and reality. It is probably these two chapters that truly stirred my rage, and at times, I had to put Under the Affluence down and take a few deep breaths.But just as I was about to chuck Under the Affluence across the room and spend a week in the corner rocking back and forth, I read the final chapter, and felt a bit of hope. Perhaps, as nation things aren’t as bleak as they seem. In this chapter, Wise reminds us to look for possible roadblocks on the way of redemption. He also mentions that besides facts, use storytelling because behind every fact there is a very human face with a story that must be heard. He behooves us to create “a vision of a culture of a compassion” and how we can help communities to control their destiny.

Now, I am a realist. I know for the most part Under the Affluence is a book that preaches to the choir, especially in 2016. But maybe, just maybe, Under the Affluence will open minds, soften hearts and act an agent for, as Elvis Costello so aptly put it, “peace, love and understanding.” Under the Affluence is not only one of the most important books to come out in 2016; it is one of the most important books to come out in the 21^st century.

Wise also takes a look at the world of the working poor and the non-working rich, the myth of meritocracy, horribly mean-spirited remarks, much of it coming from the radical right, including pundits and politicians, excessive CEO and big business pay, the devaluing of work that truly benefits all of society-nursing, teaching social work, protecting the public, improving our infrastructure, creating art, taking care of the elderly and disabled, and so on. And let’s not forget the very valuable work that doesn’t pay-parenting, eldercare, volunteering, etc.

In Pulling Apart, Wise takes a hardcore look at our current state of joblessness, wage stagnation, underemployment and how they affect us in this stage of “post-recession recovering” America. He investigates today’s realities and the long-term effects of income and wealth inequality. Wise contemplates who and what caused these problems and how race, class and economics are involved.

Book Marks

JK Rowling announces a Harry Potter stage play will debut in 2016.

In 2018 small press publisher And Other Stories will only release books written by women.

Dan Savage is so on-point about Bristol Palin’s announcement that once again, she’s pregnant with no wedding ring on her finger (hmm, so much for preaching abstinence), and if it was one of the Obama girls, she would be completely slut-shamed. Hell, Malia and Sasha get slut-shamed for wearing short skirts.

For all writers, especially the one writing this blog, this is how to develop a writing routine.

And finally, artists and writers celebrate the SCOTUS ruling on same sex marriage (or as I like to call it, marriage).