Author! Author!: An Interview with Suzette Mullen

A contributor to the New York Times “Modern Love” series and a writing coach, Suzette Mullen seemed to have it all. She was married to a successful man, and her adult sons were happy and thriving. She even had a vacation home! But something under the surface was amiss in Suzette’s life. She soon realized she was deeply in love with her best friend-a women-for two decades. But she wondered if she acted on those feelings how would they tear up the life she had known so well.

Suzette shares her story about coming out and being her true self in her upcoming memoir “The Only Way Through is Out” published by University of Wisconsin Press, and will be released on February 13, 2024.

Suzette was kind enough to grant me an interview where she discusses her book, her life, and helping others embrace their true selves. Enjoy!

Many people realize from a young age they are gay, but you didn’t realize this until you were older. How did you deal with coming out at mid-life and how did it affect your life? 

This is exactly the story I share in my memoir THE ONLY WAY THROUGH IT OUT! Coming out at any age has its own set of challenges. My coming-out challenge was that I had an entire established identity and life rooted in the heterosexual paradigm—a husband, two young adult children, colleagues, friends, and extended family who knew me as straight. The cost of coming out, of living authentically, was “blowing up” that life and potentially hurting people I loved. I had to decide whether I had the stomach and courage to leave behind the safe, comfortable life I knew to step into an unknown future. Life on the other side of that very tough decision feels very different, personally and professionally. Change was—and is—hard and life-giving. Finally stepping into the fullness of who I am feels incredible. I may have thrown a bomb into my life and my family’s ecosystem, but nothing was destroyed. It all just looks differently now. Everyone appears to be thriving in their own way.

What emotions did you go through? What fears did you have? 

So many emotions and fears! First I had to learn to trust what I was hearing and feeling inside myself. Was I really gay or was I simply experiencing a one-off attraction to a female friend? At the time I was questioning my sexuality, I hadn’t even kissed a woman. Seriously, who risks everything for a life they’ve been living only in their head? Especially someone like me who had been conditioned to play it safe. I also felt a sense of relief once I came to terms with my sexual identity. So much of my past suddenly made sense, as if the scales had fallen from my eyes. But despite that clarity, I still wrestled with fear: Even if coming out and leaving my marriage was the “right thing” to do, could I actually do it? Could I do life as a single woman—as a lesbian!—and start over in my mid-fifties? I had been with my husband since I was twenty-two. And what about the people who mattered the most to me: my sons, my sister, my mom, my close friends. Would I lose them? For months, I struggled with these questions and fears. I sought advice from friends, worked with a therapist. But finally, I had to decide whose voice to listen to … and the answer was my own. 

How did you navigate going through a divorce at mid-life and starting over? 

First, I want to acknowledge that I enjoyed significant privilege in my starting-over journey: financial security, marketable job skills, and a generally supportive ex-husband. I don’t want to minimize the challenges of divorce and starting over when you don’t have these advantages. But what I can speak to are the fears and doubts many people have as they contemplate starting over—at any age. Somehow as a society we have adopted the mindset that once you’ve made your bed, you have to lie in it, and as a consequence, many of us stay stuck in unsatisfying personal and professional lives. You don’t have to stay stuck. You don’t have to lie in that bed. You are more capable than you think. People called me brave for starting over in my mid-fifties. But I didn’t feel brave. However, ultimately, I didn’t give over my agency to fear and doubt. I didn’t let fear stop me from taking the first step and the next and the next. And on those days when fear and doubt threatened to overcome me, I called out for help and the universe responded. Friends took me in. Unexpected possibilities opened up. Synchronicities unfolded. It turns out I did have what I needed to start over. 

How did your career as a writing coach help you write your memoir? What advice would you give to others wanting to write a memoir? 

As a writer, I saw how valuable it was to have someone by my side to provide feedback and accountability, and to support me when the doubt demons inevitably whispered in my ear. As a writing and book coach, I went through a rigorous training process to further develop my understanding of craft and storytelling, as well as my knowledge of the publishing landscape. This training, as well as my ongoing work with writers, gave me the tools I needed to write a book I am proud of and land a book deal with a publisher who valued my story. The advice I’d give to people wanting to write a memoir comes from my own writing journey:

• Writing a memoir is an act of bravery. It’s vulnerable and scary. Make sure you take care of yourself and have a support system in place as you dig into your past, especially if you are writing about trauma.
• Be patient. Meaningful memoirs aren’t written in thirty days, despite what you might have heard on the internet!
• Your story is not the things that happened to you; it’s the meaning you make of those events. Keep digging until you discover the real story you were meant to tell.
• Get support. No one writes a book alone. Support can come in many forms: a writing partner, a writing group, or a writing coach. 
• Finally, your story matters. I hope you’ll write it. Someone out there needs to read it.

How do you hope your experience and your memoir will inspire and help others in the LGBTQ+ community? 

Every day I see people in online LGBTQ+ support groups who can’t imagine how they are going to come out or if they have already come out, how they will possibly get through the messy middle. I hope my memoir will help these folx feel seen, understood, and less alone, and feel hope that it’s possible to get to the other side of the struggle and create a thriving life. I hope my story will inspire them to find the courage to live their “one wild and precious life,”  as poet Mary Oliver so eloquently stated. To not waste their one wild and precious life living a life that isn’t truly their own. Yes, there is a cost to authenticity, and the cost is worth it. Finally, I’m proof positive that it’s never too late for a new beginning. It’s never too late to live authentically and write a new story for yourself.

Any future projects you want to tell us about? 

Yes! I’ve launched a mentorship and community exclusively for LGBTQ+ memoir and nonfiction writers called WRITE YOURSELF OUT where writers find accountability, professional support in a judgment-free zone, and a step-by-step process that meets them wherever they are in the journey from idea to publication. I’m loving the energy of this community and the growth I’m seeing in my writers, and I invite anyone who might be interested in joining the mentorship to please reach out. I’m also at the early stages of outlining my next book, which will be a memoir about how to hold grief and joy together after a big leap. What I’ve discovered is that when you are living authentically in your personal life it spills over to your professional life. That certainly has been the case for me. I’m thriving professionally in my sixties more than in any other decade of my life. Another reminder that it’s never too late!

Book Review: Surrender-40 Songs, One Story by Bono

Single named rock and pop stars-Sting, Cher, Madonna- are rarely willing to stay in the background. They are often larger than life. And U2 frontman, Bono, is no different, despite being only 5;6″. There are many books about U2 front man Bono. Bono in Conversation by Michka Assayas is one of my favorites. But never has there been a book about Bono written by the man himself until now-Surrender: 40 Songs, One Story. In Surrender, Bono tells his life story by using 40 different U2 songs for each chapter, songs that will be familiar to any U2 fan.

Bono was born Paul David Hewson on May 10, 1960 in Dublin, Ireland. His father, Bob, was Catholic, and his mother, Iris, was Church of Ireland Protestant. This may not sound like a big deal today, but in Ireland 60 years ago, a mixed marriage was monumental. But it may have also inspired Bono (who was raised in his mother’s faith) to build bridges among different religions, opinions, and ideas.

Sadly, tragedy visited the Hewson family when Bono was a mere 14 years old. His mother died of a stroke she suffered at the funeral of her own father. Bono mentions she was rarely spoken of again, and the Hewson household was of three very angry men who could not quite articulate and comfort themselves in Iris’s heartbreaking absence.

Bono was on a bad path when two major things occurred. He started dating his lovely wife Ali (they’ve been married for over 40 years!). And he joined a little rock group that became U2.

Bono tells of U2’s early days, long before sold out stadium concerts, platinum records, and trophy cases filled with Grammys. U2 really had to struggle to get a record deal and gigs. Bono even shows a rejection letter from one record label. Hmm, I bet that label is kicking themselves these days.

Of course, U2 have gone beyond being a hugely popular band. Whereas many rock stars are happy to top the charts, play sold out gigs, and bang a few groupies, U2, and especially Bono, wanted something more. They wanted to change the world. As many people know, Bono has been involved in activism back in the 1980s when he was involved with the Band Aid single “Do They Know It’s Christmas?” and the Live Aid mega concert on behalf of the Ethiopian people. For Bono, activism is a megaphone. He knows being a celebrity can bring attention to important causes. And Bono has been very involved with issues facing the African continent for a very long time, issues like the AIDS crisis, debt relief, and fair trade. Yes, Bono has some naysayers, but I believe he’s truly a very committed person. Bono doesn’t need to “Shut up, and sing.”

And yes, like with any celebrity, Bono is quite the name dropper in Surrender. He’s met a lot of famous folks over the years-Johnny Cash, Frank Sinatra, Nelson Mandela. He talks about the band befriending supermodels like Helena Christensen, Christy Turlington, and Naomi Campbell (the latter being engaged to bassist Adam Clayton for a short time). But it was heartbreaking to learn about the tragic loss of one of his best mates, Michael Hutchence.

Let’s not forget; there is the personal side of Bono. Bono writes so highly of his lovely wife, Ali. And he’s a devoted father to his three children, Jordan, Eve, Elijah, and John. All of Bono and Ali’s children have turned out top notch, but Bono admits he always wasn’t a very present father between his work with U2 and his activism. But no matter what the Hewson family remains a team.

Throughout Surrender, Bono talks so lovingly of his U2 brothers, relaying stories that are both inspiring and some are that quite sad. U2 have faced their challenges, but remain strong. The way Bono writes about Larry, Adam, and the Edge is quiet heartfelt showing them as the humans they are.

Surrender is not a slim volume. It’s nearly 600 pages long. But this is Bono we’re talking about; he’s quite wordy and loquacious. And he has so much material to cover in his 60 plus years. However, I never felt bogged down while reading Surrender. I kept flipping from page to page wondering what Bono was going to say next.

I have to admit, being a U2 fan for decades, Bono’s life story is very familiar to me. But reading Bono’s life story in his own words is something else.

Book Review: American Woman-The Poll Dance: Women and Voting by Kimberley A. Johnson

It’s a week away from the midterm elections, and a lot of things are at stake. Even though we think Presidential elections are very important, so are the midterms. And it’s especially important for women in this day and age. Just as we think we’ve come so far, some nefarious forces are trying to push us back into the 19th century. We need to fight against these forces. And one of he best way to do it is by voting.

Author, actress, and activist Kimberley A. Johnson shares this sentiment, and she states her case in her fabulous book American Woman-The Poll Dance: Women and Voting.

I first became aware of Johnson when I found her on Facebook. She discussed a host of issues, especially how they affected women, and proudly called herself a feminist. I felt like I found a kindred spirit and continue to follow her on social media to this day.

Johnson covers so many topics and how a woman’s right to vote is so important. These issues include the Equal Rights Amendment (ERA), rape and sexual assault, abortion, birth control and body autonomy, unions and the workplace, equal pay for equal work, and sexual harassment on the job.

And because the personal is political, Johnson shares personal stories from her childhood to her work as an actress and salesperson. Johnson is quite honest, telling us the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Johnson also shares the stories of women of all ages and isn’t afraid to rake anti-feminists over the coals.

American Woman is written in a very down to earth style that is never dry and boring. Plus, it is obvious Johnson has done her research and homework.

A lot has happened since American Woman was published in 2014. Donald Trump was elected to the highest office in the United States and his MAGA followers make the Tea Party look like, well, a tea party The Trump presidency was pretty much a shit show, and Trump lost in 2020 to Joe Biden. However, far too many didn’t accept the results of the election and stormed the US capitol on January 6th, 2021.

We also dealt with the global Covid-19 pandemic, the rise of the Black Lives Matter movement, the restriction of voting rights, school and mass shootings, and environmental degradation. The late Ruth Bader Ginsburg was replaced by the odious Amy Coney Barrett. And women lost their reproductive rights with the overturn of Roe V. Wade this past June.

All of this is enough to make you want to hide under the covers. But I try to remain hopeful. A lot of people are really pissed off and want a better country and society for all of us. I’ve noticed a great deal of activism among Generation Z who are just starting out their young lives and realize things are messed up. As a member of Generation X, I support them.

So much is at stake. Not only is our vote a right, our lives depend on it!

Book Review: Rosa Parks Beyond the Bus-Life, Lessons and Leadership by H.H. Leonards

Having read and reviewed the Rosa Parks’ the Douglas Brinkley biography Rosa Parks-A Life several years ago, I thought I knew so much about the civil rights icon. But H. H. Leonards knew Rosa Parks on a very personal level, and she discusses their friendship in her inspiring and candid book Rosa Parks Beyond the Bus: Life, Lessons and Leadership.

Leonards made Rosa Parks acquaintance shortly after Parks was brutally attacked in her Detroit home during a robbery. Parks wasn’t only brutally attacked, she was also raped and beaten so fiercely, her pacemaker dislodged. Knowing Parks didn’t feel safe, president of the Beverly Hills branch of the NAACP, Brother Willis Edwards, reached out to H. H. Leonards who owns The Mansion in Washington D.C. Brother Willis Edwards knew Parks would feel much more secure at the Mansion and Leonards was happy to share her place with the Civil Rights icon. Little did she know that she would strike up a wonderful friendship with Parks, a friendship that continues to inspire her to this day.

Leonards soon learned Rosa Parks was so much more than the lady who wouldn’t give up her bus seat to a white passenger back on December, 1, 1955 in Montgomery, Alabama. Parks had long been active in the Civil Rights movement. Parks was very open in sharing her life story with Leonards, her difficult childhood, her marriage to Raymond Parks, her activism, and the struggles and triumphs she experienced. Throughout everything, Parks remained hopeful and committed to her African Methodist Episcopal faith. In fact, Parks and Leonard’s deep-abiding faith (she’s a Roman Catholic) was a touchstone for both of them.

Not only was Parks devoted the rights of black people, she was also very devoted to the rights of women. Long before the #MeToo movement, Parks was fighting for the legal and human rights of rape and sexual assault victims in the 1940s! Parks was definitely a pioneer when it comes to the concept of feminism, though she may have never called herself a feminist.

Parks never had children, but she was often called Mother Parks. Children were very drawn to Mother Parks. She treated them with kindness and respect, and encouraged them to be the very best.

So many people were drawn to Rosa Parks, both famous luminaries and everyday people. She was kind and open with every person she met. And there is no doubt, meeting Rosa Parks was a singular experience, one to be remembered and cherished for a very long time. Despite, her accomplishments, Parks never put on airs or acted like she was more important than anybody else. In fact, she went out of her way to make others feel special.

I thoroughly enjoyed Beyond the Bus, and gained so much about learning more about Rosa Parks. Yes, Beyond the Bus is a memoir, but it is also a primer on living one’s life with purpose, grace, empathy, and dedication to the greater good of society.

Book Review: Well, That Escalated Quickly-Memoirs and Mistakes of an Accidental Activist by Franchesca Ramsey

Franchesca became internet famous. Anderson Cooper interviewed her, which gave her the opportunity to launch a career in both television and online as a writer, actress, and correspondent. She might be best known for her work with MTV’s “Decoded,” Comedy Central’s “The Nightly Show with Larry Wilmore” and BET’s “Black Girls.”

In Well, That Escalated Quickly, Franchesca writes about her background growing in a mostly white community, her education, her forays into the world of making videos, social media, and her relationship with her (ex)husband, Patrick.

Many of her first videos were tutorials on her hair locs (dreadlocks). But dealing with a lot of racism and sexism (often called misogynoir), she decided to do her videos on the micro-aggressions she deals with coming from white people. She had no idea her videos would go viral, but instead of hiding out, she instead, clapped back, which gained her both fans and haters.

But beyond, getting a career boost from her videos. Franchesca realized she wanted to get more involved in social media issues. She figured she could do this through social media and television.

All of this was fine. I enjoyed reading about her life both before and after she became internet famous. And I’m proud of her success. Yet, I didn’t see a whole lot of activism going on. Making videos and appearing on MTV is one thing, but activism takes a lot more than that, marching the streets, getting involved in the community, writing to your representatives, and so on. I just didn’t read about it in Well, That Escalated Quickly.

Still, I like this book. Franchesca is a talented writer and quite funny. I just hope her activism goes beyond videos making white women look ridiculous. And I’m quite sure Franchesca Ramsey knows this and is growing and learning as a person.