A contributor to the New York Times “Modern Love” series and a writing coach, Suzette Mullen seemed to have it all. She was married to a successful man, and her adult sons were happy and thriving. She even had a vacation home! But something under the surface was amiss in Suzette’s life. She soon realized she was deeply in love with her best friend-a women-for two decades. But she wondered if she acted on those feelings how would they tear up the life she had known so well.
Suzette shares her story about coming out and being her true self in her upcoming memoir “The Only Way Through is Out” published by University of Wisconsin Press, and will be released on February 13, 2024.
Suzette was kind enough to grant me an interview where she discusses her book, her life, and helping others embrace their true selves. Enjoy!
Many people realize from a young age they are gay, but you didn’t realize this until you were older. How did you deal with coming out at mid-life and how did it affect your life?
This is exactly the story I share in my memoir THE ONLY WAY THROUGH IT OUT! Coming out at any age has its own set of challenges. My coming-out challenge was that I had an entire established identity and life rooted in the heterosexual paradigm—a husband, two young adult children, colleagues, friends, and extended family who knew me as straight. The cost of coming out, of living authentically, was “blowing up” that life and potentially hurting people I loved. I had to decide whether I had the stomach and courage to leave behind the safe, comfortable life I knew to step into an unknown future. Life on the other side of that very tough decision feels very different, personally and professionally. Change was—and is—hard and life-giving. Finally stepping into the fullness of who I am feels incredible. I may have thrown a bomb into my life and my family’s ecosystem, but nothing was destroyed. It all just looks differently now. Everyone appears to be thriving in their own way.
What emotions did you go through? What fears did you have?
So many emotions and fears! First I had to learn to trust what I was hearing and feeling inside myself. Was I really gay or was I simply experiencing a one-off attraction to a female friend? At the time I was questioning my sexuality, I hadn’t even kissed a woman. Seriously, who risks everything for a life they’ve been living only in their head? Especially someone like me who had been conditioned to play it safe. I also felt a sense of relief once I came to terms with my sexual identity. So much of my past suddenly made sense, as if the scales had fallen from my eyes. But despite that clarity, I still wrestled with fear: Even if coming out and leaving my marriage was the “right thing” to do, could I actually do it? Could I do life as a single woman—as a lesbian!—and start over in my mid-fifties? I had been with my husband since I was twenty-two. And what about the people who mattered the most to me: my sons, my sister, my mom, my close friends. Would I lose them? For months, I struggled with these questions and fears. I sought advice from friends, worked with a therapist. But finally, I had to decide whose voice to listen to … and the answer was my own.
How did you navigate going through a divorce at mid-life and starting over?
First, I want to acknowledge that I enjoyed significant privilege in my starting-over journey: financial security, marketable job skills, and a generally supportive ex-husband. I don’t want to minimize the challenges of divorce and starting over when you don’t have these advantages. But what I can speak to are the fears and doubts many people have as they contemplate starting over—at any age. Somehow as a society we have adopted the mindset that once you’ve made your bed, you have to lie in it, and as a consequence, many of us stay stuck in unsatisfying personal and professional lives. You don’t have to stay stuck. You don’t have to lie in that bed. You are more capable than you think. People called me brave for starting over in my mid-fifties. But I didn’t feel brave. However, ultimately, I didn’t give over my agency to fear and doubt. I didn’t let fear stop me from taking the first step and the next and the next. And on those days when fear and doubt threatened to overcome me, I called out for help and the universe responded. Friends took me in. Unexpected possibilities opened up. Synchronicities unfolded. It turns out I did have what I needed to start over.
How did your career as a writing coach help you write your memoir? What advice would you give to others wanting to write a memoir?
As a writer, I saw how valuable it was to have someone by my side to provide feedback and accountability, and to support me when the doubt demons inevitably whispered in my ear. As a writing and book coach, I went through a rigorous training process to further develop my understanding of craft and storytelling, as well as my knowledge of the publishing landscape. This training, as well as my ongoing work with writers, gave me the tools I needed to write a book I am proud of and land a book deal with a publisher who valued my story. The advice I’d give to people wanting to write a memoir comes from my own writing journey:
- Writing a memoir is an act of bravery. It’s vulnerable and scary. Make sure you take care of yourself and have a support system in place as you dig into your past, especially if you are writing about trauma.
- Be patient. Meaningful memoirs aren’t written in thirty days, despite what you might have heard on the internet!
- Your story is not the things that happened to you; it’s the meaning you make of those events. Keep digging until you discover the real story you were meant to tell.
- Get support. No one writes a book alone. Support can come in many forms: a writing partner, a writing group, or a writing coach.
- Finally, your story matters. I hope you’ll write it. Someone out there needs to read it.
How do you hope your experience and your memoir will inspire and help others in the LGBTQ+ community?
Every day I see people in online LGBTQ+ support groups who can’t imagine how they are going to come out or if they have already come out, how they will possibly get through the messy middle. I hope my memoir will help these folx feel seen, understood, and less alone, and feel hope that it’s possible to get to the other side of the struggle and create a thriving life. I hope my story will inspire them to find the courage to live their “one wild and precious life,” as poet Mary Oliver so eloquently stated. To not waste their one wild and precious life living a life that isn’t truly their own. Yes, there is a cost to authenticity, and the cost is worth it. Finally, I’m proof positive that it’s never too late for a new beginning. It’s never too late to live authentically and write a new story for yourself.
Any future projects you want to tell us about?
Yes! I’ve launched a mentorship and community exclusively for LGBTQ+ memoir and nonfiction writers called WRITE YOURSELF OUT where writers find accountability, professional support in a judgment-free zone, and a step-by-step process that meets them wherever they are in the journey from idea to publication. I’m loving the energy of this community and the growth I’m seeing in my writers, and I invite anyone who might be interested in joining the mentorship to please reach out. I’m also at the early stages of outlining my next book, which will be a memoir about how to hold grief and joy together after a big leap. What I’ve discovered is that when you are living authentically in your personal life it spills over to your professional life. That certainly has been the case for me. I’m thriving professionally in my sixties more than in any other decade of my life. Another reminder that it’s never too late!
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